What a day!
Miss Lemon's going to get Mr. Jordan back.
We're going to do the best show ever,
and out on the plaza, a bird landed on my apple!
I though he was going to eat it, but he just sat there!
What next? A different bird landing on a different apple?
Where are you, Tray?
I'm back, Liz Lemon.
Tracy's back!
- Yes! - Yes!
I'm going to need an Obama cold open, a fart doctor,
and you know what, write up that bum's Empire State Building idea.
Fart doctor!
No, I mean, I'm back to where I was yesterday.
I can't get anyone mad at me.
I even called the women's basketball team, "nappy-headed hos,"
but apparently I'm allowed to talk like that.
- Why? - Tracy, come on!
Tracy Jordan? Why isn't he here?
I just had a meeting with News down on 4.
Brian Williams sure gets close to you when he talks.
Very feminine energy.
Anyway, I thought I'd just swing by
and introduce myself to Tracy Jordan, but...
Ah! He is here, he just likes to learn his lines in the bathroom
and communicate by phone.
Actors. Am I right?
You know, I once had to speak to the Screen Actors' Guild.
Bunch of nut jobs.
But you couldn't make movies and TV without them.
I'm just kidding.
I mean, look at March of the Penguins.
Who was in that?
Good luck tonight. You're going to need it.
Tracy, you can do this. You have to be at the show tonight!
Tracy who? I don't even know who I am anymore!
Look, you think the world has turned its back on you?
I know a place where that's not true.
A place where you can remember the man you used to be.
A place where you can eat buffet ribs
while someone's daughter shakes her crack at you.
Tracy Jordan, I am taking you to a strip club!
Oh, excuse me, Miss, how much is a lap dance?
I'm a little light on cash, but I have a PayPal account.
Oh, my God! Tracy Jordan?
That's right, party time!
When I saw you in Hard to Watch...
No, no, keep it light.
...you inspired me to contact my biological father.
No daddy stuff.
I hadn't spoken to him in 13 years.
Maybe show him your butt!
There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
7 minutes later
I know you've been molested.
That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
I just wanted to let you know that I am going into the Navy.
Because like you said in your movie, "I invent my tomorrow!"
But I wasn't even supposed to say that.
The line was
"Shareen, I hope Doctor Mugutu has good news about my endoscopy."
But I couldn't get it right, so they told me to improv.
Come on, guys, I'm making it rain.
You see what you've done, Liz Lemon?
Tracy Jordan is broken. It's over.
Get off the stage! No whites!
You wanted to see me, Ms. Maroney?
Oh, my!
Candles, incense, disco music.
Someone's getting into the Easter spirit!
No, Kenneth.
Do you remember that silly joke about me having your baby?
Yes. So crazy!
I know! It's crazy!
Unless you're into it.
What?
No, ma'am. That would be wrong. We're not married.
And we're different religions.
We can do whatever we want.
Ms. Maroney, I'd do anything for you, or Mr. Jordan,
but this is wrong.
But, Kenneth, you might be my only chance.
No!
Fine.
I'll get you when you're sleeping!
It's not rape if neither party really wants it!
You're back!
Yeah, this is my front.
Thanks for setting me up with another classic quote.
I borrowed your whale semen candle. It didn't work, by the way.
You can keep it.
I'm just packing up a few things and then I'm going.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm quitting show business.
I can't stop the horrible respect people have for me.
Tracy, you can't do that.
Look, I would never say this on the record.
Of course. This is all off the record.
The show needs you. And I need you.
I'd rather do the show than have a baby.
But you don't understand.
No, I do understand. Look at Roman Polanski.
No, thank you.
Or Elia Kazan.
He told the government his friends were communists,
then got a standing ovation at the Oscars!
That's crazy!
A man named Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
You know, when you think about it,
the only celebrities who completely undo their good will
are the murderers.
John Wilkes Booth, Phil Spector, O.J. Simpson,
who texted me earlier today.
Shoot someone, huh?
Nah, that's crazy, even for us.
I guess it would take a pretty big gas leak
to make you think that was a good idea!
All right! 100th episode! 100 hours of comedy!
Minus the commercials...
20 hours of comedy.
- Hey, Dummy. - Damn it!
Look, Liz, if this is going to work out between you and me,
you should know, my tarantula sleeps on my face.
Oh, my God. My show is getting cancelled,
I'm never speaking to Jack Donaghy again,
and the worst thing that happened to me today is that you showed up.
Yeah, 'cause you called me.
When I was high on gas.
Do you not understand what that means?
No, not really. Gas has no effect on me at all.
When I was growing up, my school, Gerry Cooney Elementary,
it was right next to a gas works in Queens.
It ventilated into the cafeteria.
We got a big settlement from the city.
Our parents voted to spend it on a boat
that the families could share, but then that sank.
But you know what?
I'm still smart enough to know
that I'll never do better than you, Liz Lemon,
'cause you're a cook in the bedroom, and a whore in the kitchen.
So I'm going to give you one more shot to admit to me
that you keep bringing me back into your life for a reason.
Supas, take out the trash.
Don't order me around, woman!
No, I mean... Denis, get out.
I'll change your mind.
Let's rock, Duffy.
You again!
Wait, you're not Sideways Jack!
I'm Past Jack because I'm from the past and I'm you.
Yeah. I get it. Do you?
Because it seems like you don't get much of anything anymore,
old man.
If you're my future, I'm going to jump.
Stop him! If he jumps, we don't exist any more.
I'm perfectly aware of that.
I studied Time Dilation and Quantum Teleportation in college.
No, you didn't. You saw Time Cop!
Really? I never saw Time Cop.
You will. In 2007. And you'll love it.
Why are you talking like that?
This is how everyone talked in the '80s.
This is how Reagan talked.
Look, there's still time to fix this, Jack.
You need to kick ass again!
Starting with getting rid of that woman.
Listen to him. He's awesome. And you know he's right.
Fire Lemon. I don't know if I can do that.
Well, then, check this! Oh, God!
That only hurt me!
Why did I think that would hurt you too?
Jack, be the man you were meant to be: Me.
This tuxedo is made out of the puma that I rode
into my 50th birthday party.
Why are you both wearing tuxedos?
- It's after 6:00. - It's after 6:00.
- What are we, farmers? - What are we, farmers?
Now, go get rid of that woman.
Just want to check everything out after your little gas scare.
Well, my pen light is working. That's good.
Now, can you say the alphabet for me?
Well, a very very heavay uh...
heavay di... birtation tonight we had a very derst...
dereson by let's go ahead and tear a station let's go la bip head an pip.
Excellent.
My God, Jenna, are you pregnant?
How?
Did you go swimming in a public pool?
No. I got in my head about having a baby,
and now I'm having a hysterical pregnancy.
Well, that's redundant. All pregnancies are hysterical.
They're started by penises.
This should be perfect.
I mean, all I want is the attention.
So why am I not happy?
I mean, on some level, do I want to have a baby?
Do I want to be a mother? Should I be a mother?
Bored.
Hey, Greta Johansen, your animal wrangler.
My God, you're beautiful!
If you say goodbye tonight
All I'll have will be my memories
So keep on reaching for the light
I now believe these are my memories
My memories...
Mr. Jordan, I refuse to accept this is happening.
You leaving is as crazy to me as evolution,
or a woman's right to choose her haircut.
I'm sorry, Ken, but maybe Jenna was right.
The only way I could come back is if I shoot someone.
And that's crazy!
Or is it?
Maybe it's a good idea.
I don't know.
It has a nice, simple logic to it.
Why don't we take a deep breath,
and then both say what we think we should do.
- You should shoot me... - I should shoot you...
- on the roof of "30 Rock". - On the roof of "30 Rock".
I only ask one thing, sir. Make it quick.
I cannot promise you that, Ken, I'm a horrible shot.
To the roof!
Hey, Dummy.
Hey. You ready to sign that lease?
You know how we were talking earlier about me moving in with you,
and how hard it is to kick a tenant out in New York?
Just think about it. I'll make you chili every night.
I'll provide for you.
I have a new business idea.
It's like Netflix, but you go to a store and you pick out your video
from a limited selection.
It would be like 5 years ago.
Exactly. I can move my stuff in tonight! Right?
I just have one duffle bag and a sidecar.
My motorcycle got impounded for being parked too awesome.
I just need you to sign this lease I printed up off the Internet.
Okay. I need a pen.
You don't have a pen? You're a writer, Liz.
All I have is this kick-ass laser pointer
that I point at nerd's crotches in the park.
No, wait.
All we have is this kick-ass laser pointer.
Come on, baby, let's go find a pen.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Let me introduce myself. I am...
Future Jack, obviously.
Is that what we're wearing in 10 years?
More like 35 years.
You're 87 years old? My God, I'm outstanding!
I like to think so.
I've come all the way from the future,
which is a lot harder than coming from the past...
Whatever, Pops.
...to warn you not to listen to the other Jacks.
In the future, you're happier than you ever imagined.
You have grandchildren, and a gorgeous Polyblasian wife.
That's a new race that emerges in 2030.
They're incredible.
What happened to Avery?
Oh, you'll see. It's hilarious.
Yeah, but what about his/your/our career?
Don't we want to be this dude?
Younger me's, business is only a part of life. Real happiness...
Eh, shut up.
Don't listen to his crap, Jack.
If you chose my path, you'll be plenty happy.
You'll spearhead G.E.'s development of the Electric Vagina.
You won't be married, but you'll have
a house with a lot of glass, and it's cold.
And you'll own the Buffalo Bills.
You didn't say it was the Bills.
Look, right now Liz Lemon is downstairs
about to sign a lease with Denis Duffy.
If she does that, you'll lose her.
In 3 years, they'll be married and living in Jacksonville, Florida,
where he operates an unlicensed alligator park.
Jacksonville?
Her hair can't handle that humidity!
No, I don't care. I'm tired of saving her.
To quote Liz Lemon, "Opposite!"
You'd be saving yourself.
The only way to get my life
is to be distracted from your blind ambition.
And you can't do that without Liz Lemon in your life.
Jack, this guy is just trying to justify his own bad choices.
Go down there and fire Liz.
Okay?
We're obviously all thinking it, so I'm just going to say it.
We're going to have sex with each other, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my.
Lemon, don't sign that lease!
Why are you here?
Just sign it, Dummy. It's a receipt for some lez pants or whatever.
No.
If you have a problem, I will fight you, Denis.
That wouldn't be very fair.
I'm only trained to fight four or more men at a time.
There are three more of me upstairs, and I'd be happy to go get them.
I can't. I'd hurt my wrist.
Hey, people, somebody sabotaged the gas line.
People could have died. Or had fights.
What? Who would do that?
Hey, grab that black guy.
It was you!
What, are you mad at me, Liz? Huh? I did it for love.
You're insane!
Hey, hey, hey, guys, hands off the jacket, all right?
It's from Amar'e Stoudemire's evening wear collection.
If I ever see you again, I'll kill you.
Please, you'll be back!
All right, the gas is clearing out.
You should be okay in time for the show
according to my device here.
Good work, Jennifer.
Oh, my God, the show! I got to load in an audience,
I got to distribute scripts,
I got to change Jenna's blood. I need Kenneth!
Forget about Kenneth.
I told Hank Hooper that Tracy Jordan would be here.
Where is the star of your show?
Right here!
I know you're talking about Tracy, but I don't care.
Tracy and Kenneth went to the roof with a gun. Why?
Because I gave Tracy the idea to kill the only man
who would ever have a baby with me!
Nothing to see here, Mr...
Hello, KableTown Family Members, and my favorite actress,
Jenna, when 'TGS' gets cancelled,
I mean, if, when 'TGS' gets cancelled, we need to talk about your future.
I know what my future holds, Hank, motherhood.
It surprised me, but I have so much love to give.
Well, why couldn't you be a mother, and do a daytime talk show?
Because the talk show would be my baby.
I'm not going to be held back by some uterus turd!
Let's call my agent.
Oh, my God, your stomach!
For some reason I'm starting to rethink this, sir.
We all have doubt Kato Records,
but we made a decision.
And we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.
Okay. Just please, tell my mother that...
My bad. That was an accident.
Tracy, stop!
Don't startle me when I'm holding a gun!
Use your head, Liz Lemon!
For God's sakes Tracy, give me that gun!
Do you have any idea how much paperwork I would have to do
if you shot Kenneth?
I didn't know that Jack. I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to get people to stop respecting me.
Tracy, you want to destroy the good will you have
so that you can go back to your easy TV job?
Yes! Even more than I want to shoot Kenneth.
Then all you have to do is go back to your easy TV job.
What?
Do TV.
And no one will ever take you seriously again.
Doesn't matter how big a movie star you are,
even if you had the kind of career where you...
walked away from a blockbuster franchise,
or worked with Meryl Streep, or Anthony Hopkins,
made important movies about things like civil rights,
or Pearl Harbor.
Stole films with supporting roles,
and then turned around and then blew them away on Broadway,
none of that will matter once you do television.
You could win every award in sight.
And be the biggest thing on the small screen,
and you'll still get laughed out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party
by Greg Kinnear!
Tracy, your career hit rock bottom
the first time you decided to do 'TGS'.
You want it to hit rock bottom again?
Go on network television.
Let's make some TV!
We have 5 minutes!
Ah, ah!
Sorry, folks, while we were working on the gas line,
we somehow broke the elevator. She's an old building.
You're going to have to take the stairs.
I'm okay!
At least I made it through my last day.
Darn it.
Excuse me, the elevators are out. Do you know how...
Shut up!
Well, if it isn't Jack and Kenneth, and Tracy, and Liz.
Hey I have a bone to pick with the four of you.
Screw, Williams!
Hey, get out of our home!
Sorry, recurring hobos.
I'm back everybody.
You're welcome for the adventure my absence provided.
30 seconds!
Liz, I was checking the cue cards, and we have a problem.
It all seemed so funny when they were writing it.
During Denis's gas leak!
Yes, this will work. Just flip the top of Act 2.
Danny can't make the wardrobe change that quick.
Best show ever! Yeah!
Guys, I don't know about this.
Oh, my God. We don't have a show!
10 seconds.
Just start!
I should call Denis.
Let's meet our contestants.
Dr. Steven Poop is a homemaker and a centaur.
That did it.
You're picked up for a billion more episodes!
Where am I?
Am I back in Vietnam?
What charity are you playing for?
The Grimace Foundation, Jeremy.
Keep your milkshakes purple for over a million years!
Hold on.
Tracy's back on TV again?
Clooney, Hanks. Actor emergency.
Tracy Jordan's doing TV again.
I know. Disappointing. Take him off the official A List.
Well I don't have the password. Pitt's our webmaster.
Well, then, wake him up!
They're doing "Pam" again? Ugh!
I don't care what you say anymore this is my life.
Go ahead with your own life. Leave me alone.
This may be the gas talking, but I was wrong about Denis.
You're the guy who never left.
And This is definitely the gas talking,
but I'd be a lot worse off if I never met you, Lemon.
And I'm proud to have you as a mentee.
I mean, look at you.
Endangering the lives of hundreds of people
for a show that TV Guide once called "Still on."
I framed that article.
To 100 more episodes.
Wow, 5 years.
It makes you think about all the fun we've had together.
But you know the single most amazing thing
that's happened over the last 5 years?
That is true, sir. But, today does make me wonder
where we'll all be 5 years from now?
[Dinsdale]